Title: Happily Ever After
Rating: PG-13 So would that be T in the other system?
Fandom: Stargate SG1
Pairing/Characters: Daniel/Janet Humor
Spoilers: None So AU it's insane.
Summary: Daniel wants his happily ever after, dammit!
Disclaimer: Yeah, I make no money on this.
Author Notes: For the Oct. 2007 Revival Challenge. Don't ask me where this came from. What I was writing originally for this challenge was a little darker. However, I gave up on that one and started this when my muse stalled. I honestly can't tell you how I came up with this but there had to be drugs of some kind involved. I just don't know which ones.
Oh and if you're wondering where I got some of the versions of these fairy tales head over to wikipedia.
Happily Ever After
"You're kidding me." Daniel looked at Landry in disbelief. Then he looked at Rei, Sam, Jack and everyone else attempting not to laugh. Even Teal'c's mouth was twitching. "Hey! That's my wife you're laughing about!"
Rei burst out laughing and banged her head on the conference table in the process. "It appears the curse is transferable!!"
"Oh come on, Daniel," Sam said taking a sip of her coffee. "Anything female and breathing wants to get down your pants. Now that Janet's down your pants it appears that..." Sam flushed and studied her mug.
"It appears that you rubbed off on her!!" Rei shrieked with laughter.
Daniel reached over and bopped her on the head with a folder. Then he threatened Jack with his half full cup of coffee. "Keep laughing! Well, see how it feels when Sam ends up like this!"
"No thanks," Jack waved his hands in the air. He ducked as a Danish flew towards his head. "Dammit, Sam!"
"Just spreading the love, sir."
Landry rolled his eyes to the heavens and wondered how exactly Hammond had talked him into taking this job. "Can we focus, people?"
Apologies were muttered and everyone sat up straight attempting to look professional.
"Now then," Landry cleared his throat and looked at the group. "How exactly did this happen?"
Major Winters of SG-9 raised his hand a little to catch everyone's attention. "Well, Dr. Fraiser was treating several of the villagers when this...old crone-y looking woman came up to her and offered her an apple."
Daniel gave him a weird look and buried his face in his hands. "Why do I feel like I know how this is going to end?"
"Well, we hadn't had lunch yet. The apple seemed okay. I mean...Well, it was an apple for God's sake!" Winters leaned away from Teal'c as the other man began to loom over him.
"Yet, another reason you should wash your fruit before you eat it," Jack quipped and promptly got hit in the head with another Danish. "Dammit, Sam!"
"At least it's not fruit, sir."
"Moving on!" Landry called out from the head of the table.
"Yes, sir. Um...well, as soon as she took a bite Janet went pale and fell over. She's still breathing and everything but she won't wake up."
"And the old crone?" Sam asked.
"We lost her in the crowd." Rei frowned and looked at Winters. "I don't think it was the first time she showed up though."
"Explain," Landry said.
"Well, some of the villagers told us that another old woman had offered her some stays."
"Stays?" Jack frowned.
"Part of a corset," Rei explained. "Considering the time period those people live in, corsets are a part of many of the women's normal dress. Obviously, Janet doesn't wear a corset."
"And Janet explained that to her. Later another woman came up and offered her a comb. Janet said that was very kind but she didn't need a comb as her hair was already short and styled for the day. I don't think the woman was very happy."
"You think it was the same woman?" Landry asked.
"Perhaps. Or someone closely related to her," Rei replied rubbing her forehead. "It might be like the villagers said and she was one of the queens that rule those areas or a witch or both. The woman cackled 'Now I'm the fairest in the land!' and took off like a bat out of hell with everyone chasing after her."
"Why do I feel like we're in the middle of a Grimm's' Fairy Tales?" Jack said. The rest of the group looked up at him in surprise. "What? I read my son fairy tales when he was a toddler."
"That's so sweet!" Rei ducked as a Danish flew at her head. "Getting back to the subject at hand, the reason you feel like you're in a fairy tale is because it is sort of a fairytale land. The people there call themselves Fablearians." She made a rolling gesture with one of her hands. "Fablearians. Fables? Makes a screwed up amount of sense considering what we've seen over there."
Everyone nodded and sighed. "Well, I think you know what to do," Landry said. "Daniel, go kiss your wife and bring her home." He stood and left the room.
"Should we bring anything in particular?" Daniel turned to Major Winters.
"They don't use guns. Swords and bows and arrows seem to be the main methods of fighting. Horses, carriages and the like are the main modes of transportation. However, sir, I'd rather be armed with our P-90s just in case."
Daniel looked at Rei. "Your yumi is too long," he said referring to the seven foot long bow that Rei used when she practiced kyudo, Japanese archery.
"I've got a few other ones I can use," she replied gathering her things. "Plus, I'm not so bad shooting on horseback. Valentine and Richie are the best sword fighters we've got besides you." She nodded to the men and women of SG-9. "They're not bad with archaic weaponry and most of them are good riders. We should take them."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Daniel?"
Daniel raised his eyebrow. "Jack?"
"Why are we going to need swords? Aren't we just going to go there, you kiss Janet and we all live happily ever after?"
"When has it ever been that simple, Jack?"
As they stepped through the gate, Valentine looked at the quaint little village in the distance, looked at the quaint forest around them, and then turned to the others. "It's so quaint I'm going to throw up."
"At least there are no fire breathing dragons," Richie quipped as his red hair ruffled slightly with the breeze
"That's about two continents over," Rei said as she and the others walked down the steps.
"Oh, lord," Jack groaned. "Apparently your curse for getting into trouble has rubbed off on Janet as well."
"Don't make me use my sword on you, Jack."
When Teal'c loomed people paid attention. When Jack got pissed people scattered out of the way of bullets. When Sam got mad people ducked and covered.
When Daniel got mad everyone ran for their lives.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE WAS TAKEN AWAY?!"
The town crier, the poor bastard, clutched at his throat. When that didn't work he pointed to the piece of parchment next to him. He didn't know what he'd done to piss the gods off but he resolved never to do it again as long as this man never darkened his doorstep,
"Huh," Sam scratched her neck. "It says since there is a shortage of available princesses in the land at the moment and the 'Wicked Queen' poisoned her, Janet has been declared an 'undiscovered princess' and taken to the castle. All the princes in the land are invited to come and give her 'true love's kiss' to break the spell. Whoever wakes her up gets to make her his queen." Sam leaned against the wall. "She has all the luck," the blond muttered.
"Unbelievable," Jack groaned. He turned to SG-9. "Which way is this castle?"
"That way," Major Winters turned and pointed to a castle in the distance.
"And you can bet that wicked queen's going to be there," Richie said coming up to them. He pointed to Mary, Mary Quite Contrary standing in front of her garden. "Apparently, that queen pulls this stunt often. She finds the most beautiful woman around, poisons her, and advertises a new princess for the taking. So every desperate prince around shows up and when true love's kiss breaks the spell..." he bit his lip.
Sam eyed the Three Little Pigs walking by, "What, Richie?"
"That prince and princess are never seen again. Rumor has it that she kills them and starts the cycle all over again."
Everyone looked at him in disbelief. "These people have definite issues," Jack muttered. "Where's the original Snow White?"
"Living happily ever after in a different kingdom," Rei said coming up to them after waving goodbye to Little Red Riding Hood. "She's married with three kids. Daniel, put the poor man down."
Seething, Daniel dropped the town crier who ran off swearing never to set foot in the village again. After a few moment he asked, "Why is there a shortage or princesses? Why pick my wife?"
"Too many evil queens not enough good fairies," Rei shrugged and looked around for Val who was trying to procure horses for the journey. "Plus, no one's willing to brave the thorns to Sleeping Beauty's castle just yet." She pointed to a gigantic mountain of thorns in the distance. "Wimps."
Val came walking up leading a few horses. Behind her the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick maker were leading several other horses. "They say the best way is on the yellow brick road," she called to them. "It's longer but safer. The other way is through the dark forest. Shorter but deadlier."
"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c was looking through a set of binoculars. "There is a long line forming at the Snow White castle."
Daniel and the others lifted their own binoculars. "Don't these people believe in the sanctity of marriage? She's wearing a wedding ring!"
"She's been declared a princess," the Butcher said. "Right now she's considered fair game. If you want her you're going to need to move fast."
"We can split up," Rei suggested as they mounted up. "Take both routes."
"The forest is dangerous," the Baker told them, "ogres, trolls and other evil things reside there. Be careful."
Jack thanked them and the group rode to the edge of the village. SG-9 and Rei split off and took the yellow brick road while SG-1, Valentine and Richie took the forest path.
"Don't worry, Daniel," Sam said as they moved down onto the path. "We'll get to Janet in time."
"It's not that," Daniel replied. "Janet's going to be pissed when she wakes up."
"She hates being the damsel in distress."
On to Part 2