Title: Overcoming Anise
Author: Chrysa
Pairing: D/J
Rating: PG - PG-13
Category: Humor
Summary: Anise shows up at the SGC.
Disclaimer: I don't own SG-1...Obviously. Characters that you don't recognize from the series are mine.
Archive: Take it. Just tell me where it lands.
Author note: Done for the Aug 05 challenge in which you find a challenge on the challenge pages and do it.

Like a dork I combined a few challenges to see if I could do it. Hopefully, it worked. Not betaed. All mistakes are mine. These are the challenges I chose.
Challenge #8
What happens when Daniel eats the last of Janet's chocolate stash?!
Challenge #6
"Who gave Daniel the love beads?"
Challenge #4
Daniel's reaction were he to ever stumble upon pictures of Janet in the gold dress that's on her home page.
Challenge #21
Anise comes to the SGC for a professional reason and hits on Daniel. Janet must kick Anise's butt! Major Anise-whupping is required. Please don't make it too ridiculous.


Overcoming Anise

All was quiet on the home front. No SG teams were currently out, no end of the world crisis was happening and Daniel's anthropology department had run out of booze during the last quarantine. No one was residing in the Infirmary so everyone was either catching up on paperwork or restocking supplies. In the main office, Dr. Fraiser and Dr. Lam were discussing matters of the utmost importance.

"Angus?! His name was Angus?!" Janet stared at the MacGyver DVD box incredulously.

Carolyn Lam started snickering as she looked up from her paperwork. "You didn't know? Oh my god!"

"No!!" Janet sat on the edge of her desk dejectedly. "I missed that episode! Damn."

"It's no wonder he went by that last name," Carolyn signed off on another report. "Good lookin' man though."

"Definitely a 'yum.'" Janet bit her lip. "Except for that mullet." She put the box on Carolyn's desk and got them some coffee.

"Agreed," Carolyn frowned slightly in thought. "Is it just me or does MacGyver look like General O'Neill?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

"You noticed it too?" Janet giggled. "When I first got here I kept doing a double take whenever Jack walked by. 'Ooh! MacGyver! Oh, no wait, it's Jack. Damn!'" She went over to her computer and pulled up the next day's itinerary. "Then I'd remember that MacGyver hated guns and Jack will use one at the drop of a hat if neces-OH HELL!!" Janet hit her forehead on the desk.

Carolyn looked over concerned. "Problem or just random headdesking?"

"Tok'ra Spice."

Carolyn blinked. "Open a help file for me?"

"Anise and Freya. Tok'ra. Pain in the ass."

"Ah." Carolyn nodded sagely having gotten to that point in SG-1's extensive medical files. "So, you want liquor?"

"That would be good. Although there are Godivas in my locker over there."

"Why are they in the locker?" the other doctor asked as she popped it open.

"Cause if they were in my desk I'd eat them all. If they're in the locker I'll forget about them until I need them."

"Good point." Janet heard Carolyn rummage around, pause, then rummage around a bit more. "Janet?"

"Yes?" Janet said into her desktop.

"I can't find them."

Janet's eyes bugged out in horror. "What do you mean you can't find them?" Janet got up and walked over to the locker. "They should be right here..." Janet did a little rummaging of her own, a look of dismay flooding her face as she began to realize that her precious Godivas had vanished. "But who could have...." Her eyes narrowed.

Carolyn sprinted out of the room as Janet screamed in rage.



The weekly staff meeting was, as always, a disaster.

Valentine was calmly reiterating to their guest, Major Winters, the fact that a qualified archeologist needed to go with SG-9 to negotiate for access to the Ancient ruins on P4X-765. She picked up a tablet and whacked him up side the head with it to make her point. As he writhed in pain on the floor she yelled, "That's Ancient for PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!"

A general groan rose from the table. Cat fell off her chair laughing, while Daniel went to help Winters up. He glared at Val. "Do I need to sign you up for anger management classes?" He asked checking to see if Winters' head had caved in any place.

"What? It's not as if any of my other arguments were getting through to him. I just tried to input the information directly instead of trusting that that mush he calls a brain would understand what his ears were picking up!" Val sat down in a huff and crossed her arms.

Daniel looked at Rei, wondering why the hell she hadn't stepped in and reined in the rest of their motley crew. Then he saw her giving him the death glare and remembered that Anise was coming in today. Still, she was his 2IC. Was a little help in disciplining the children too much to ask? "Rei!"

With a put upon sigh, Rei shifted her glare from him to Winters. "Are you dizzy?"

Winters blinked. "No."

"Do you feel sick?"

"A little."

"Spots in your vision?"

"Tiny ones."

"Buck up. You're Air Force. Do you want the Marines laughing at you because you took a bump to the head?" She raised an eyebrow. "Richie, take him to the Infirmary." She got up and reached for the phone only to jump in surprise when it rang in her hand. "Seventh level of Hell. How may I direct your call?...Oh, hey, Caro-He did what? She's what? Hahahahahaha!!" Rei collapsed against the drab gray wall of the meeting room. "Yeah, I'll warn him. Thanks, hon."

Daniel narrowed his eyes at her as the rest of the room looked on in interest. "Warn who?"

The Japanese woman gave him a smirk. "You poor bastard." Immediately, all the women's eyes grew big in understanding and they hastily got up and made their way to the door.

"What do you mea-"


Daniel's eyes grew huge and he looked at the bracelet on his wrist. The Godiva bracelet came into existence when he'd delved one too many times into Janet's stash. To keep track of how many boxes he owed her, Janet had slipped the bracelet on one night and added a bead each time he finished off a box.

He was up to nine beads and he hadn't replaced one single box.

Daniel groaned. He was so screwed.

"Scatter!!" Rei yelled and everyone ran for the exit as Janet came tearing down the hallway with a bed pan in her hand. "Morning, Janet!"

"Where is he?!" Janet hollered and waved the bed pan around.

"In there!" Rei nodded to the meeting room. "Ready for Tok'ra Barbie?"

"One murder at a time, please. DANIEL!!" She strode into the room as Rei headed towards Daniel's office. After all, if he was going to die a horrible death why shouldn't she steal all his coffee and start redecorating?


General Hank Landry was an intelligent man and prided himself on being keen observer. So when he heard the words "Tok'ra Barbie" being bandied about derisively in the cafeteria he simply went to the best source of information and headed up to his office.

Before he could open his mouth, Walter handed him several files each detailing Anise's dealings with the SGC, SG-1, and the betting pools that had sprung up. Landry had found that file most interesting. Past pools had had Daniel and Jack almost even when it came to sleeping with the Tok'ra woman. A few other pools had detailed how exactly Anise would piss off the female contingent of the SGC and how she would meet an untimely end and by whose hand.

Tossed headless through an unGDO'ed wormhole by Janet seemed to have been pretty popular.

Knowing that some reports tended to exaggerate, Landry decided to give Anise the benefit of the doubt. It seemed that she wasn't necessarily a bad person. She just rubbed people, especially women, the wrong way. However, as Anise walked through the gate and surveyed his gate room and his personnel like it was her own personal playground Landry decided to revise that last thought. Especially the women in the control room gave her the evil eye then turned to glare at him for allowing this scourge of the universe onto Earth.

Carefully, he watched as Anise gave short shrift to him, the rest of SG-1, and Dr. Fraiser. She focused solely on Daniel. "Dr. Jackson," she said with a smile, her eyes roving over him in a predatory manner that had Janet bristling. "It is a pleasure to see you again. I hear Colonel O'Neill was been promoted and has moved on?"

Unsettled by the direct gaze, Daniel cleared his throat. "Um. Yes, yes he has. It's good to see you again as well, Anise."

Anise inched closer and invaded Daniel's personal space. "Such a pity. However, that does leave us more time to work together. We can get to know each other better." She reached up to put a hand on him.

Daniel took a step backwards and jumped as he felt Janet pinch his rear. Hard. "Oh! Yes, well, you'd be pleased to know about a few other changes in my life." He pulled Janet up next to him...and then a little in front of him as if she were a shield. After dodging that bed pan this morning there was no way he was getting her ticked off at him again. "And Dr. Fraiser became my wife."

That caused Anise to pause, hand in midair and blinked at Janet. "Wife?" She asked incredulously then recovered quickly and put her hand down. "Congratulations, Dr. Fraiser," she said eyeing the other woman speculatively.

"Thank you," Janet said sweetly, baring her teeth.

For a moment everyone in the gate room watched nervously as the two women sized one another up. They all remembered how pissed Janet was after the armband incident and how SG-1 had suffered after Anise had left. Cameron shuddered and made a personal vow never to get on Janet's bad side. Teal'c's respect for her increased while Sam idly wondered that if it came to blows, would she get in trouble if she helped Janet pummel the little witch?

Up in the gate room, Carolyn was taking notes on how to intimidate and get results while Rei was helping Walter start a new betting pool.

Landry decided it was time to step in and then get the hell out of Dodge before a cat fight started. "Well, it's been interesting meeting you, Anise; however, I assume you didn't come here just to visit?"

That seemed to decrease the tension in the room a little and bring everyone to their senses. From one of her pockets, Anise brought out a small round device. "The Tok'ra discovered this small device during the survey of a planet we thought suitable as a back up base. Apparently the planet had once been used by the Ancients, but it seems that when they left they took everything. This was lying forgotten in a corner."

Daniel took the device from her and studied it. "Hmm. Well, let's get started shall we?" He gave Janet a reassuring glance as he and Anise started for his office.

Landry watched in fascination as Janet watched them leave, then turned and looked at Sam. Sam turned and looked up at Rei in the control room and received thumbs up in response as the Japanese woman grabbed Carolyn and they left. The two women looked at him and he quickly dismissed them. As soon as they were gone he let out a breath. "What was that?"

Cameron looked at him. "That was a plan being executed." He shuddered. "I would not want them mad at me."

"Indeed," Teal'c said. "It is very wise not to get involved with an SGC Ladies plan especially if they are mad."

Landry raised an eyebrow. He suspected he'd have to ask Walter what the SGC Ladies were. "Why not?"

"They are very crafty women and warriors. It does not do to get on their bad side because, inevitably, they will get you one way or the other. I am immune to most plots because they have adopted me into their group," with that he turned and went out the opposite door wanting to get as far away from the possible carnage as he possibly could.

"I always knew joining the SGC was going to give me gray hairs faster," Landry murmured. "Did you know about this Ladies thing?"

"I've heard...things," Cameron slanted a glance at him as they made their way to Landry's office. "Some may be true. Some may not."

"Do tell."


Hours later the Anthropology department had made little progress in their attempt to decode the device and Anise had made even less progress in her attempt to conquer Daniel. She was never alone with him. If she did manage a few moments as people streamed in and out of his office, Daniel was inevitably bent over the device and paying her no attention anyway.

She didn't like Rei, who was hovering but not in an obvious way. All attempts to send her away had backfired because as she was walking out the door someone else was already walking in. All around her, the women seemed to be giving each other signals. Daniel seemed to be avoiding her advances as well. Whenever she inched closer to him or put a hand on him he edged away and found something else interesting to look at.

Anise had wanted Daniel for a long time. The fact that he had a wife had come as a surprise but was not insurmountable. Feeling eyes on her she looked up into Rei's slanted eyes and shuddered at the way they narrowed as if seeing right through her.

This was not going according to plan.


"Is it always like this?" Carolyn asked as she aimed the digital camera at Janet and took another picture.

"Women wanting Daniel? Yes. Apparently, somewhere on him is a device for every horny female thing the galaxy to home in on. I can't tell you how many times he's been captured as some sort of love slave." She did a little shimmy and Carolyn took another picture. "Anise is just another in a long line of admirers. The fact that she's on my turf just makes it easier for me to defend my man."

"Plus, you have a hundred women willing to take her apart if she makes a move on him."

"That too," Janet gave her sexiest smile and did another vamp pose. "I'm so glad I had to pick this dress up from the cleaners before I came in today." She looked over at Sam who was calmly opening a vial Janet had given her into a cup of tea. "Just remember not to drink it."

"I wouldn't touch tea with a ten foot pole let alone with this stuff in it."


Daniel was growing annoyed. Anise kept trying to paw him and none of his polite rebuffs were working. He scooted around the table again as her hand slid through the air towards his rear and ended up next to Rei. "Shut up," he hissed as she snickered.

"But it's cute, Boss," she gave him a wide eyed innocent look.

"I hate you."

"I know, hon," she said patting him on the back and watched Anise study something on the device. "Poor deluded woman. In a way I do feel sorry for her."


"Yes," she looked at him. "She doesn't realize that she can't have you. I know Tok'ra can be single minded but deliberately blind? Anyone who's ever seen you and Janet together knows how much you love each other." They both looked over as his computer beeped. "Looks like you got mail."

Curious, Daniel went over to his desk and started to sit as he uploaded his mail. Heads snapped around as he let out a squawk and landed on the floor with a thump. Concerned people went over and gaped at the pictures popping up on to his screen.

"Oh! The dress!" Sam said as she walked in. "I wondered if she'd gotten it back from the cleaners."

"The dress?" Anise asked studying the images on the computer in dismay. "What is so special about this dress?"

"It was the one she was wearing when Daniel asked her out the first time and when he asked her to marry him," Sam said. "See, Janet likes to be subtle. She doesn't display her charms all the time," she looked at Anise's skin tight outfit, "or quite so obviously. Tea?" She smiled sweetly and inwardly gloating when Anise took it absentmindedly and drank half of it.

Rei tore her eyes off the screen and looked around noting the cup in Anise's hands. "Guys! I'm getting claustrophobic! Go! Go forth and prosper elsewhere for a while. I think we can all use the break." She hooked her arm through Sam's. "She looks great in that! Those workouts are paying off! What system does she use?"


Slowly, the room cleared out leaving Anise and Daniel alone.

Daniel was happily oblivious as he flipped through the pictures of his wife on the computer. Anise, sensing that this might be her best opportunity turned Daniel's chair around. "Daniel!"

"Hmm?" He asked his head still turned towards Janet's pictures.

Anise grabbed his face and turned it towards her. "I want you! I need you!" She pulled his face forward and kissed him. Determinedly, she held on as he struggled knowing that he would see the light and leave his wife to be with her.

Suddenly, she didn't feel very well...In fact it felt like her lunch was about to come up-

"Ack!" Daniel pushed Anise off of him as she threw up onto his shirt.


"Oh my-oh that's just...Thanks. Thank you so much that just adds the perfect touch to the day. First small women hitting me with bed pans and now this," Daniel muttered as he pulled off his shirt and grabbed some paper towels.

"Daniel!" Came a shocked gasp from the doorway.

Daniel put his head in his hands as he bent over the sink. "Janet, honey, I swear it's not what it looks like."

Janet slowly walked in, blessing Sam's phone call. Her timing was perfect. She looked from Anise's green face to Daniel attempting to clean himself up. "I certainly hope not!" She ent to Anise, playing the concerned doctor. "Are you all right? You don't look so good. Rei?"

"Yes? O beauteous doctor of mine?" Rei stuck her head in and caught the mess on the floor. "Well, that's just nasty. I'll go get maintenance." She looked up at Daniel's bare torso and smirked. "And a shirt for lover boy over here."

"Hey!! Show some respect!" Daniel yelled as Rei left.

"Then stop having every intergalactic slut hitting on you!" She hollered back.

Anise was too sick to be insulted. She groaned and Janet barely got the trashcan under her before she upchucked again. She looked up at Janet bleary eyed as the doctor checked her temperature and looked her over.

"I think we should get you back home, Anise. I think your doctors will do a better job than poor little ol' me. After all, I'm only human," she said sweetly, but Anise quailed under the look in her eyes. "Daniel? I'm going to take Anise to the gate room and send her home. Can you do the work without her?"

Daniel looked from one woman to the other and decided not to get in the middle. "Yeah."

Gently, Janet ushered Anise out of the room as Rei came back with a fresh shirt. "Here we go. Maintenance isn't far behind."

Daniel eyed her then eyed where his wife and Anise had just been. "Do I want to know?"

"Do you?" Rei gazed at him steadily.

"Something tells me ignorance is bliss today," Daniel replied. "However, I'm sensing I should be grateful to my wife and my friends for not leaving me alone for long with Anise."

Rei smiled at him. "You always were a genius. I'm thinking Godivas and possibly diamond jewelry will not go amiss today."

"Tell Janet I'll see her at home," Daniel grinned walking out.


"I do not understand what he sees in you," Anise said as they walked from Daniel's office to the elevators.

Janet raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes, I am smarter, I will live longer and keep this appearance, and I can take him all over the galaxy and let him pursue his interests. What do you have to offer him?"

Janet looked at her. "My love, which he returns." Then she viciously shoved the Tok'ra into the elevator doors. "Oops. Forgot to open the doors. Sorry," she said as Anise held her nose in her hands and moaned in pain.


Wisely, Walter said nothing as Sam came in and started the dialing sequence for the neutral world Anise had gated in from. He also said nothing when Carolyn, Rei, and several other women filed in. They watched silently as Janet and Anise stopped at the end of the ramp. The wormhole exploded into existence behind them.

Anise looked up into the control room. "They were protecting you."

Janet looked up at them and smiled. "Yes. I have good friends. Plus, they find you vapid and shallow and...obvious. Oh, and they hate your superior attitude...and your clothing. Would you like me to go on?"


"Good. Leave, and when Daniel gets done I'll make sure he sends your toy back to you," Janet said crossing her arms.

Anise's eyes suddenly flashed. "The tea. What was in it?"

"Ipecac. It's used to treat some poisonings and is designed to make you vomit. You'll be fine in a little while."

"Long enough for me to leave Earth," Anise's said, "and Daniel."

"Smart girl. Just remember, I can do a lot worse than this." Janet tilted her head towards the control room. "And they'll back me up."

"You win." Anise turned and headed up the ramp.

"I won a long time ago," Janet whispered. "I won't ever lose when it comes to him."

The wormhole vanished and Janet turned around to applause coming down from the control room. Laughing, she took a bow. "Thank you!! I couldn't have done it without you!"

Sam flipped on the mic. "Daniel skipped out and left a message for you. He'll be waiting for you at home. I think there's chocolate in your future, Janet."

"Ooh. Godiva!" Janet clapped her hands and dashed out of the gate room. "Chocolate covered Daniel, the perfect ending to today."

The End


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