Title: Innuendo
Author: Chrysa
Pairings: D/J,
Category: Humor
Rating: T-M Actually I'm not sure how to classify this one. There is one four letter word and rampant sexual suggestion. ::throws hands in the air:: I give up.
Summary: Done for the Octorber 2005 Dan/Jan challenge which is:

1. Develop your plot around the word "breakdown." It doesn't matter which meaning for the word you use, just go with whatever springs to mind first. Here are the word's most common definitions: functional failure; a physical, mental, or nervous collapse; disintegration; decomposition; analysis, classification.
2. It must be Daniel/Janet. That kind of goes without saying, though, doesn't it? ;)
3. That's it, really, so... have fun!

Plus this is also being done for Fanfic 100: #95 New Year.

Authors Note: This is Misty's fault. ::shifts eyes::: I had two ideas that weren't working out. I tried mashing them together. Didn't work. Misty suggested a Siler pov and I went "Yes! That's it!" It still didn't work. Then in chat someone *cough* Misty *cough* said or did something that triggered the resulting...thing you're reading.

Does this qualify as crackfic?



"Okay, so if I juggle that explanation with Daniel's history of the French Revolution maybe we can keep the colonel from losing consciousness..." Sam mumbled to herself as she adjusted one earring and walked down the hall to the elevator.


Sam turned around and smiled. "Hey, Val! Oh that's a nice dress. You'll knock'em dead tonight."

Val smiled and did a pirouette showing off the snug fit of her knee length green dress. "Thanks! And you didn't go with jeans and leather this year! Excellent! Turn around" Sam obeyed, letting her blue off the shoulder dress do the talking for her. "Ohhh! Short and a slit! Ten bucks says the colonel will do a spit take when you come into the room!"

"You're on!" Sam laughed as they started walking. "So where is everyone else? I want to get out of this mountain." For a moment she looked surprised. "Wow. Did that just come out of my mouth?"

Val looked at her as if she'd suddenly grown three heads. "Yeah, oddly enough." She started looking up and down the hall, finally spying Richie, Cat, and Rei behind them. "Oh, there are some party goers. Hey guys!! Hurry up! I need a drink! I've been in this place for too damn long!"

Richie simply raised an eyebrow and flipped her off as Cat growled. "From all of us who have drawn designated driver duty let me just say: Go blow yourself," Rei said as she brought up the rear.

"I don't think that's anatomically possible, dearest, but I'll keep your good wishes in mind as I suck down all the drinks you were supposed to have," Val clapped her friend on the back.

"I thought you didn't mind the whole designated driver thing. I mean, we all do it," Sam remarked.

"I don't," Rei answered pulling on her jacket. "But it's New Year's. On New Year's you drink, be merry, make a few resolutions you're never gonna keep-"

"Chase a little tail," Richie added.

"For those of us who haven't gotten laid in three months that escalates into search and seizure," Cat rolled her eyes. "Search for a good prospect and seize him before someone else drags him off." She sighed. "Does anyone have a cigarette?"

"You and I quit when we took this crazy job," Rei said, "remember?" She dug into her purse. "Here suck on this."

"Oh my god," Cat said taking the candy and looking at it morosely. "I'm reduced to sucking on this. I so need to get laid."

"Speaking of those of us who can get laid on a regular basis," Richie said over Sam and Val's laughter. They stopped at the elevator and he pressed the up button. "Where are Daniel and Janet?"


Bam! Bam!

Everyone blinked and looked at the elevator doors.

"Apparently, they're in the elevator," Sam said.

"Are you okay, Daniel?"

"Yeah," Pant, gasp! "Bit of a tight fit for me, though. You'd think I'd never done that before."

"Well, it has been awhile."

The five friends standing outside the elevator looked at one another with widening eyes.

Shuffling. The sound of grunting as if someone is trying to lift another person.

"Here, maybe if we do it this way..."

"Are you sure you have a good hold on my-Hey! That tickles dammit!"

"Dear, this really isn't the time to complain about being ticklish there. Hey! Don't. Squeeze. That."

Rei stifled a snort behind one hand and collapsed against Val who was valiantly attempting to squash down her own laughter.

Cat simply shook her head. "Shit. At least someone's getting laid," she said in a jaded tone of voice. "Why the hell can't it be me?"

The sound of bodies hitting the side of the elevator. Shoes hit the floor. A slight moan emanates from the elevator.

Sam looked at the doors in shock. Richie took one look at her expression and doubled over laughing. "Oh, come on. You act like the only thing they've been doing all this time is holding hands."

Sam smacked him upside the head. "Louse! I know they-" she made a little gesture with her hands that had everyone snickering. "But still in the elevator?!" She looked from one knowing expression to another and felt her jaw drop. "You don't mean-" At their nods she gasped. "Where?!"

"Well, let's see..." Rei thought for a moment. "There's her office, his office..." She looked at Cat.

"Don't get me started on the storage rooms," the blond said picking at her nails.

"Oh my god!" Sam's face took on an expression of pain. "TMI!!"

"Wait till you walk in on them," Richie said with a smug little smile as all the women looked at him with mixes of awe and horror on their faces.

"Dammit, Daniel! Not so hard!...I'm not Jack!"

Rei collapsed on the floor and clutched her stomach.

"There! That's it. Just like that!" Janet grunted.

Richie leaned against the wall. "And they sounded just like that." He covered his face in his hands and laughed harder.

Cat smacked him on the shin as she slid down wall.

"Are you sure I'm not hurting you, Janet?"

Sounds of footsteps and a body hitting a wall. "No." Gasp! "Wait, wait! I'm almost there!"

Sounds of scuffling. Suddenly there's the sound of flesh hitting flesh and a howl of pain.

A body hits the floor.


A long ragged male moan drifts from the elevator.

Cat stared at the doors with a newfound respect. "Wow. I didn't know they were into the kinky stuff."

Val started pounding on the wall as she laughed. Sam was laughing so hard tears were rolling down her cheeks. "We-we really should let them know we're here or something," she gasped.

"No!" Everyone else exclaimed.

"Oh, god," Rei gasped in between guffaws. "They'd be mortified!"

"No, we-hahahaa!- we should just use another elevator," Cat chuckled and took a few deep breaths.

"Okay," Sam wiped the tears off of her face. "Okay, come on guys. Let's give them some privacy." Everyone agreed and after a few moments they picked themselves off the floor and staggered away laughing hysterically all the while.

"Janet?" From his spot on the floor Daniel looked up through the open door of the emergency access. "You sure you're okay up there?"

"Well, I'm fine," Janet replied looking down at him. "You're the one who's flat on his back. I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean to kick your face."

"Well at least it was your foot and not your heels," Daniel said adjusting his glasses and making sure his nose hadn't been broken. "Everything seems all right." He stood on shaky legs. "Can you see the ladder?"

"Yeah," she turned away for a second and he heard her gingerly pick her way across the elevator roof. "Oh my god, this is disgusting. I'm going to have to trash this dress and these hose when we get out of here. Are you sure you couldn't get anyone on the emergency phone?"

"Yeah, it's out. Just our luck the elevator breaks down the one time there's no one in the mountain."

The End


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