Title: A Day's Work (was "In the Infirmary")
Author: Cait Parker
Rating: PG. It's pretty tame. An itty bit of violence, a small aphrodisiac.
Category: Humor (just plain silliness), Multiple POV, Dan/Jan, a dash of Sam/Jack, Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (i.e. Challenge response, but I forget the challenge now).
Spoilers: Meridian, Fallen (but barely)
Archive: I'm a giving person, so long as you let me know where you're taking it, you're very much welcome to it. (It used to be on Helio, but it doesn't seem to be anymore. If anyone can find it, please tell me? I'd like the linky.)
Disclaimer: Things I own- my computer, most of my clothes, and some goldfish. Things I do not own- Stargate SG-1 or anything associated therewith. I'm just a crazy person prone to random plot bunnies. Don't sue, I beg.

A/N: I wrote this probably six months ago and didn't want to post it to Sam/Jack because there is very little S/J reference, and because I was too scared by all the email from that list to want to join another. But upon finding DanandJan, I knew my ficcy had a home. You are invited to send feedback, and you don't even have to RSVP. Flame me if you will; I've misplaced my lighter.


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A Day's Work


I thought it was an honor to be appointed CMO of a top-secret facility. Made me feel *special.*

Now I'm resigned to the idea that it must have been punishment for some heinous crime that I can't quite remember. Karma paying me back, perhaps, for the misery inflicted by my cold hands and big needles.

I've given up on even hoping for a peaceful day at work. I can count on one hand the number of days I've come in and not had to treat someone for an alien virus or cure a mild case of death.

A large percentage of those times usually involve SG-1 in some way, shape, or form. Especially Daniel.

I've heard rumors that the reason he's always here is because he's got some sort of designs on me. The grapevine insists he gets hurt on purpose so he has a reason to see me. At first I thought it was cute. Now I find it irritating. But I must admit, I might even return those feelings if he would realize he doesn't need a life-threatening injury as an excuse to drop in and say hello.

Speak of the devil...

*****

Contrary to the rumors, I do *not* get hurt on purpose. I don't like getting hurt. I don't like being infected with deadly diseases. But none of that seems so bad when the first things I see when I wake up are Janet's big brown eyes.

Ok, that's not entirely true. Usually the first thing I see is that thousand-watt pen light. But after the spots go away, I see her eyes. And that makes me feel a little bit better about being accident-prone. There's comfort in the fact that such a beautiful woman can cure all my ills. Besides radiation poisoning, of course; but that's best left to ascended beings.

Today, for example, I have a perfectly legitimate reason for being here. My nose is bleeding. In all likelihood, it's probably broken. And it's not my fault. Not really.

Well, maybe, but I sure as hell didn't ask for it as an excuse to see her. And I'd much rather just be dropping in to say hello. Blood's really not my thing.

"How'd this happen?" she inquires. Her face communicates that she's reluctant to know the answer. That's great; I'd really rather not tell her. Jack threatened to kill me if I told her about his... problem. Either way, I'd end up in here. I might as well take the broken-nose route in lieu of the route that involves clinging to the last threads of life.

"I don't know." Ok, so being cryptic is *not* going to curb her suspicion that I ran myself into a door. But if she knew, she'd appreciate my decision.

She crosses her arms and gives me that disapproving look of hers before handing me a cloth.

"It's not broken. The bleeding's stopped. Clean yourself up." She rolls her eyes and turns to tend to Siler, who's in his third coma of the week.

And she thinks I'm bad.

*****

Major Carter is behaving strangely. I suspect her behavior is a result of the substance found on P4C-501. It is reminiscent of a substance used by the jaffa of Yu to procure a mate. I believe people of the Tau'ri call it an "aphrodisiac."

"Did I not suggest you should wear gloves, Major Carter?"

"Honestly, Teal'c, I feel fine. In fact, I've never felt better."

"Should you not be studying the substance rather than my physique?"

"Oh, it can wait. What do you say we shut the door and-"

"For what purpose, Major Carter?"

"Oh, you know... Come on, Teal'c. You can't say you've never thought of it."

"I am unsure of what it is to which you refer."

"You've never found me... attractive?"

"You are indeed a beautiful woman, Major Carter. But do you not have feelings for Colonel O'Neill?"

"Oh, that... He's so stubborn. Him and his damn regulations."

This situation makes me uncomfortable. I was not aware that Major Carter possessed these feelings for me. I do not believe she is herself and therefore think I should remove myself from her laboratory. Perhaps I should locate O'Neill or Dr. Fraiser and inform them of the situation.

*****

I'm having doubts that Daniel ran himself into a door. Lt. Simmons is the third bloody nose I've treated. I've also treated two concussions and a black eye. None of the six would tell me what happened.

I need a day off.

*****

Ok, so maybe it would be best if I went to the infirmary myself instead of sending everyone else there. But the thought of Doc Fraiser and what she would do to me is worse than the pain I'm in right now. Better them than me.

Knowing Teal'c is impervious to any harm I could try to inflict on him, I've hunted him down and found him in front of Carter's lab, holding the door shut. On the other side, Carter is pounding and begging him to let her out.

"Teal'c, buddy!" His eyebrow is raised.

"O'Neill, I believe we should have Major Carter restrained in the infirmary. She has come in contact with an alien substance and is trying to assault me."

"Come on, Teal'c. You're not afraid of her, are ya?" A worried look crosses his features.

"Indeed I am."

"Well hey, before we deal with Carter, I was wondering if you could help me out with something." There's no way in hell I'm going to the infirmary before I exhaust all other options.

"I'll assist in any way I can."

"Great!" I exclaim, knowing I can count on my good buddy Teal'c. "So Teal'c, what do you know about removing splinters?"

*****

I can't believe the nerve of Jack. He gave my Teal'c a bloody lip. If he could keep his hands off people's stuff, he never would have gotten a splinter in the first place. Serves him right, but he didn't have to take it out on my Teal'c.

"I'll kiss it better," I offer as I accompany the two to the infirmary.

"No." Dammit, why won't he just succumb? Succumb, already! Judging from the looks I'm getting from Jack, I'm not the worst person to succumb to. He looks positively jealous.

Oh well, he's got nothing on my favorite jaffa.

*****

I'm just going to hide under this cot and hope they didn't see me.

Sam, Teal'c, and the colonel all just walked in to my infirmary. I'm in no rush to find out which one is hurt or why. Just looking at them, I get a bad feeling that all three of them need me in some way. Teal'c is bleeding from the mouth, presumably falling victim to whatever has inflicted six of my other patients. Sam has this love-sick puppy look on her face, and it's not directed at the colonel, who doesn't appear to have anything wrong. But I can tell by the fear in his eyes that he doesn't want to be in the same room as me.

"Hey, Jack," Daniel greets in a voice muffled by the cloth he's holding to his face. "It's about time. I thought you'd take down the entire SGC before asking the Doc to-"

"Shh!" The colonel looks around nervously for me, obviously unaware I'm hiding four feet away. Good. "I haven't given up yet. But I think Teal'c needs stitches and there's something wrong with Carter."

Groaning, I climb out from under the cot. Duty calls.

"Ok, what now?" I ask, cringing. The colonel jumps about a mile.

"There's nothing wrong with me, Janet, but Jack split my Teal'c's lip."

"He started it!"

"*Your* Teal'c?" I ask incredulously. I didn't know she had a thing for him. The colonel looks positively jealous.

"Major Carter has come in contact with an alien aphrodisiac. She is trying to seduce me."

Right about now, I'm contemplating if the bottle of wine I plan to down tonight will be red or white...

Wonder if the general would give me a week.

*****

Today is unusually quiet in the SGC. It's a welcome change from all the excitement we get around here on your average day. So far, my day has consisted of a debriefing with SG-4, talking to my granddaughters on the phone, and catching up on reruns of "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" on the tv in my office.

I had a sick feeling earlier that there's been an alien incursion and that was why everything seemed so... normal. But once I found out that Siler's in his third coma of the week and that Sgt. Davis got himself tangled in the computer cords *again,* I breathed a sigh of relief with the knowledge that everyone's behavior is as it should be.

I do feel a little uneasy that SG-1 hasn't pestered me yet, but I'll just write it off to their being busy after finding all those neat toys on P4C-501.

*****

"Carter, if you don't quit looking at him that way, I'll give him a broken nose to go with the lip!"

"What, Jack, are you *jealous*? Jealous that I like Teal'c better than *you*?"

There is something really wrong with Sam. From what I understand, she's been following Teal'c like a lost puppy for the past half-hour. Jack looks positively jealous.

"What, do you want me to be jealous? Are you trying to make me jealous because I don't want to break the regs?"

"Damn the regs and damn you! I don't *care* if you're jealous! I just want my Teal'c!"

Janet released me about twenty minutes ago, right after my teammates got here. I should go and get out of her way, but this is too funny to miss.

"Major Carter, I ask that you please remove yourself from my arm. I do not with for O'Neill to strike me again."

Sam looks hurt as she releases her grip on Teal'c's arm. But then Janet sneaks up behind her with a syringe and mouths "hold her" to Teal'c. He pulls Sam into a big bear hug and her smile is nearly blinding. As the sedative takes effect, Teal'c and Jack lift her onto a cot and Janet secures restraints around her wrists and ankles.

"Now, Colonel," Janet says sternly as she gestures towards the battered men in the infirmary. "Would you like to explain your part in *this*?"

*****

Dr. Fraiser had better have a damn good reason for interrupting my "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" marathon. She's handed me a paper I assume will explain.

"You're resigning? Why? It's been so peaceful around here today!"

"*Peaceful?*" she shouts. "While you were in here watching tv, I've had to restrain Major Carter because she came in contact with an alien aphrodisiac and was coming on to Teal'c, had to remove a splinter from Col. O'Neill's finger at great risk to myself, and had to treat seven men who had *tried* to remove the splinter."

"What happened to them?" Must have been one hell of a splinter.

"The colonel had asked them to remove the splinter and when it hurt too bad, he decked each of them. Including Teal'c."

"Come now, Doctor. That's no reason to resign."

"You deal with what I deal with for a day and see if you feel any differently."

"Let's just head down to the infirmary and see if we can't change your mind."

*****

Sam woke up, and she's apparently feeling better because she's holding my hand and apologizing for the way she acted. Teal'c, Lt. Simmons, and the others are all feeling better and just awaiting the doc's word on when they can go. Daniel, who I'm sure was released awhile ago, is sitting on the cot next to Sam's, smirking. And my splinter is gone.

So now we're just hanging out, wondering where the doc is, wondering when we're going to get the all clear to leave.

I think I can hear her, but she sounds like a crazy woman. Sure enough, Hammond just walked in dragging her behind him, and she is quite literally kicking and screaming.

"See, Doctor, it's not so bad."

She stops yelling and flailing her arms and looks around in shock. "You're all-"

"Yeah, we're all back to normal. We can get out of your hair whenever you want to release us," I assure her.

"Go!" she shrieks, pointing to the hall. All of us (except Daniel, I notice) jump like school kids who just heard the recess bell. Hammond looks a little queasy, a little pale. "Horrified" might be a good description.

"You're just going to let them go like that?" he asks, a pleading look in his eye.

"Yes, General. So much for your peaceful day."

"Hey General, a word?" I've been meaning to talk to him about one of our new recruits. This kid's been a pain in my ass since he started.

"It'll have to wait," he answers weakly. "I'll be in my office, typing up my resignation."

Fin.

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