Title: I Know
Category: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Filk/Song
Season: SG-1 Season Seven
Related SG-1 Episode(s): 001 Stargate - The Movie, 321 Crystal Skull, 413 The Curse, 506 Rite of Passage, 715 Chimera, 718 Heroes, Part 2
Featured Character(s): Daniel Jackson, Janet Fraiser
Pairing(s): Daniel/Janet, Daniel/Sarah
Summary: Time, fear, and an old flame cause confusion and hurt feelings between Daniel and Janet after her return.
Sequel to: Only In Dreams
Author Notes: A sequel story to Only in Dreams. If you read that one first, I'm sure this one will make more sense cause that's how sequels work. ;) This story is kind of long, I hope you don't mind...once I started I just couldn't stop!
Disclaimer: The song in this is "I Know" by Fiona Apple. Again, it's not mine. Neither is Stargate. I just borrow it from time to time for my little stories.
Fiona Apple's I Know
So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
Baby, I can't help you out
While she's still around
So for the time being,
I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll just consider this-
Even if it don't make sense
All the time -- give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find
The lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, don't need to say it
`Nothing in life is ever as easy as it should be'. That philosophy seemed to prove itself doubly true for Daniel Jackson. His life had always been for from easy, and the situation he faced now was no different.
Through some wonderful twist of fate, Janet Fraiser was alive and well. Daniel had thanked God everyday for this miracle. Life without Janet had almost been too painful to bear. He couldn't even begin to count the tears and sleepless nights he'd spent mourning her loss. But, thankfully, that dark period of his life was over. Janet was back, and Daniel was overjoyed - well, mostly.
There was just one problem. Janet's death had made him painfully aware of his rather...unprofessional feelings for her. Truth be told, he was in hopelessly love with her. And he had no idea what he should do about it.
Daniel shifted uncomfortably in the hard bed he'd been given for the night. `If I don't get some sleep, I won't be able to translate a thing tomorrow.'
Daniel tried, but he just couldn't stop his mind from racing. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Janet's face, and that just added momentum to his spinning thoughts. With a sigh, Daniel gave up trying to sleep and decided just to let his thoughts wonder.
It had been about a week since he'd found Janet on the planet she'd been taken to by the Tok'ra. He'd been so close to confessing everything to her when they were alone on the cargo ship, but the battle outside had interrupted him.
Since then, they still hadn't had the opportunity to talk. And the lapse of time had given Daniel way to much time to think the situation over. Conflicting thoughts served only to confuse him further.
He remembered the crushing guilt that plagued him after Janet's death. For months, he'd barely been able to look at himself in the mirror. His conscience had beaten him continually for never once telling her how much he cared. He'd been trapped in a purgatory of his mind's design. Until last week, that is.
Janet's return had breathed new life into Daniel's soul. Finally, his agonizing thoughts of remorse and guilt were beginning to fade.
But, now that Janet was back, Daniel was faced with the same old demons that had haunted him before her death.
What if caring for her only doomed her to pain? After all, hadn't she been through enough already?
He'd barely survived losing her the first time. What if it happened all over again? These thoughts tormented Daniel's mind, and they just wouldn't go away.
`It feels good to be back.' Janet thought to herself as she settled down into her desk chair.
After her return to the SGC, General Hammond had insisted that she take some time off. Not that she minded. It meant she and Cassie could spend some time together - something they both needed after everything that had happened.
Colonel O'Neill had insisted that they use his secluded cabin up in Minnesota to "get away from it all", as he had put it.
Janet accepted his kind offer, even though technically she'd been "away from it all" for quite a while. But, after all, where better to spend quality time with her daughter than in a rustic cabin far from a telephone or a shopping mall?
The trip had been wonderful for both of them. The Colonel hadn't been exaggerating about the natural beauty of his beloved home state. Janet and Cassie had spent long hours by the lake, taking in the scenery, and enjoying being together once again.
But, now their trip was over, and it was back to the SGC for Janet. While she was happy that things were getting back to normal, she couldn't help but notice the nervous twinge she'd felt as she stepped off the elevator that morning. She had a feeling that the hardest part about her return from Minnesota would be seeing Daniel. He never did get to finish what he'd started to tell her in the Tel'tak. Now that some time had passed since then, and it made the situation a little awkward in Janet's mind.
Janet wondered for the thousandth time what Daniel had been about to say. Damn jaffa, they always spoil everything!
She knew what she'd wanted him to say...but she didn't want to get her hopes up, only to have them crushed. One thing she knew for sure - all the wondering was driving her crazy. She decided to talk to Daniel about everything as soon as he got back from the mission that SG-1 was on.
With that thought, Janet turned her attention back to the ever- growing mound of paperwork on her desk. She grabbed the blue folder that was on top of the pile, flipped it open and scanned first page. It was the medical record of someone who'd recently been added to the SGC's personnel.
She glanced at the name of the newcomer. `Gardner, Sarah'.
Janet's mind screeched to a halt as she read the name of the woman who was both an ex-Goa'uld host and Daniel's ex-girlfriend. Since when had the archeologist changed her mind about being apart of the Stargate program?
Janet picked the file up, got to her feet, and made her way down to General Hammond's office. She knocked twice on the door before she heard the General answer.
Janet opened the door, stepped through, and closed it behind her.
General Hammond smiled at her. "Hello, Dr. Fraiser. Good to have you back. Did you have a nice trip?"
"Yes, sir, thank you."
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, sir, I've been going through my files and I found this." Janet said handing the blue folder to the General. "I was under the impression that Dr. Gardner wasn't emotionally stable enough to be at the SGC."
"She wasn't, but for several months now Dr. Gardner has gone through extensive counseling to help her recover from her trauma. And she's been able to come to terms with what happened to her. In fact, it was her intel that led SG-1 to the planet you were found on."
"The base you were held in used to belong to Osiris."
"Of course. Jay'la, the undercover Tok'ra who saved me, told me about that."
"Her memories from Osiris and her archeological expertise make her very valuable to this program. And though she was reluctant to join the SGC at first, she finally agreed to a position under Dr. Jackson."
"Oh." Janet said as his words sank in. "I see."
A knock on the door ended their conversation.
"Thank you, sir." Janet said before she slipped out the door and into the hallway.
One thought nagged at her as she walked back to her office: `What if Sarah tried to get back together with Daniel?'
Janet had just finished signing the last of the papers on her desk when the klaxons went off. She glanced down at her watch. It was SG-1 scheduled time to return.
She rose from her chair and hurriedly navigated the SGC hallways to the Control Room. She took her place beside the General and they waited for the team to appear through the Gate.
As her four friends immerged from the blue puddle Janet let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. By the looks of it, they had all returned unharmed, which was nothing short of miraculous for SG-1. Especially Daniel.
"Welcome back, SG-1," came the General's usual greeting.
Janet walked down to the Gate Room, willing the nervous waves she felt to die down.
"Doc!" Colonel O'Neill said when Janet appeared in the doorway. "How was the cabin? It's still standing right?"
Janet smiled. "Well, mostly..." she teased. "By the way, you DO like the color purple, right?"
"What?!" O'Neill said, before he noticed the mischievous glimmer in Janet's eyes. O'Neill narrowed his eyes at her, "Funny."
She gave the older man a smile. "I'll tell you about our trip later, but right now we need to get you all up to the infirmary."
"Ah, yes. Bring on the needles!" O'Neill quipped as he walked towards the door.
"Janet?" Daniel said wearily.
Between all the banter with Colonel O'Neill, Janet had almost forgotten the others who were standing around. She turned to look at Daniel and noticed for the first time that his eyes were blood-shot.
"Are you okay?" she asked, immediately concerned.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just didn't get much sleep on that planet. Do you think I could post-pone my check-up so I can rest for a while?"
Janet looked through the glass at General Hammond. He nodded in approval.
"Yeah, that'll be fine, Daniel. I'll have a mild sedative sent to your quarters so you won't be disturbed."
"Thanks," Daniel said gratefully as he headed up to his room.
Janet sighed inwardly as she watched him go. `Looks like our conversation will have to wait a while longer.'
It had been a good four hours since Janet had last checked on Daniel. He'd been sleeping peacefully and she didn't want to wake him. But surely he'd be awake by now.
Janet strolled out of the infirmary and went to see if he was up yet. As she got closer to his quarters the familiar knot of nervousness tightened in her stomach.
`If I don't talk to him about this soon, I'll have to treat myself for an ulcer.' She thought fleetingly.
Pausing outside his quarters, she quickly smoothed her hair, took a deep breath, and opened the door.
"Oh!" Janet let out a tiny gasp of surprise as she looked into the room.
Daniel was indeed awake, but he wasn't alone. Perched on the side of the bed, holding his hand was an attractive curly-haired blonde.
Daniel blinked in surprise when he saw Janet standing in the doorway, and he quickly pulled his hand out of Sarah's grasp. Janet didn't miss the rush of color that flooded Daniel's cheeks.
"Janet!" he said, his expression a mixture of panic and guilt.
Jumbled emotions pounded in her head. Shock, anger, hurt...there were too many to identify. Through clinched teeth, Janet managed to say, "Dr. Jackson, it's time for your post-mission exam."
"Right now?" Sarah asked, clearly disappointed.
Sparks of anger flashed in Janet's eyes. "Yes, now."
"We were just, uh, catching up." Daniel said, stammering an explanation.
"So it would seem." Janet said as she turned on her heels and marched out the door.
Janet paced angrily around her office, willing herself not to cry - at least not yet. She felt humiliated and betrayed. All her instincts had told her that Daniel was finally ready to admit that he felt something for her. But she had obviously been very wrong. He clearly still had feelings for Sarah.
"Dr. Fraiser?" a voice from outside her door said. "Dr. Jackson is here for his exam."
Janet closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Steeling herself, she witching into `doctor-mode' and walked into the infirmary.
He was sitting on one of the beds, looking quite uncomfortable.
"Dr. Jackson." Janet said evenly. Even she was shocked by the iciness of her tone. She quickly grabbed his chart and avoided looking into his sorrowful eyes.
Daniel nodded, but didn't speak. Janet ignored his silence by busying herself with the exam. All she had to do was check his vital signs, draw a blood sample, give him an injection, and then she could retreat back into her office. She focused on getting the exam over with and getting him out of there as soon as possible.
She prepared to check his blood pressure. As she slid the black armband up on his arm, she felt him tense. Janet mind reeled in shock. The very arm that had held her close just last week had actually flinched at her touch. And on top of the whole Sarah thing, it was almost too much to take. She tried not to show her emotions, but it was not an easy thing to do.
The silence hung heavily in the air as the exam continued. Finally, she came to her last duty. She flicked the syringe with her fingertip right before plunging the needle into his body - admittedly rougher than necessary.
Daniel didn't complain though. He'd seen her temper flare before, so she figured he probably knew better than to say anything.
"We're through," she said as she quickly exited the room.
Janet managed to walk back to her office, shut her door, and sink into her desk chair before the rush of tears fell from her eyes.
Daniel sat down at his desk in a heap.
`Ow...bad idea.' He thought after plopping down right where Janet had stabbed him with her needle.
`Could that have gone ANY worse?' Daniel paused, thoughtfully.
`Yes' he concluded, remembering how Sarah had tried to kiss him just moments before Janet came in. Thank God she hadn't walked in before he'd managed to push Sarah away. Not that the situation was much better now.
Daniel mentally replayed what had happened in the infirmary. He could tell by the tone of her voice that the exam was not going to be easy. What he hadn't been prepared for was the brusqueness of her touch. He felt himself flinch, and he immediately hoped she hadn't noticed.
He saw the hurt flash in her eyes. Her needle had told him the rest.
Daniel sighed, remembering the angry clicks of her heels as she stormed away from the infirmary - and him.
Suffice it to say, things had gotten messed up big-time.
`I have to do something about this,' he thought miserably. `And soon.'
"Dr. Jackson, this is a military base, not a dating service." General Hammond said.
"Yes, General, I understand. I know what I'm asking is very out of the ordinary - but I need this to happen. Things have been fairly quiet lately, and I assure you we'll take every precaution, just in case."
Daniel looked into the older man's eyes, pleading for approval.
As he looked at the young archeologist in front of him, George Hammond chuckled to himself. Behind the valor of his uniform lived a hopeless romantic. He couldn't help but think that, if he were in Daniel's shoes, he'd want to do the same thing. Not that he'd ever admit it.
General Hammond sighed heavily and frowned for good measure.
"All right, Dr. Jackson. But you officially owe me one."
"Thank you, sir!" Daniel called out as he hurried out of Hammond's office.
On to Part 2