Title- There's Something About Baby
Archive- Heliopolis, Dan/Jan archive, my site.
Season- Season 7-ish
Category- humour, established relationship.
Series/Sequel- nope, none
Spoilers- some but none to specific, just basic knowledge of the show.
Content Warning- extreme silliness can't think of anymore
Disclaimer- I don't own anything mentioned in this fic, so don't sue me! If you like I'll even give you the 76p in my pocket for 30 seconds alone with Daniel ;)
Authors Notes- This is a response to a babysitting challenge set by Amanda, Red and Jammer. There is also a slight mention of Lord of the Rings, I don't think you need to have seen the film so that really doesn't matter. Other films are mentioned that have had an impact in my life (and not all good ones!) hope you like this fic, its Un-beta'd so all mistakes are my own...
Feedback- Feedback would be very much appreciated :o) Thank you
SG1 sat around the de-briefing room table, none of them daring to look General Hammond in the eye.
"So, you're telling me they just gave it to you?" He asked them sternly looking around to see if anyone would give him an answer.
"Yes, sir." SG1 answered in unison. All of then still looking at the table and giving each other slight glances out of the corner of there eyes.
General Hammond rested his elbows on the table and started massaging his temples. He couldn't believe they had done this. Out of all the things SG1 have brought back through the Stargate, this takes the biscuit.
"So?" He asked them, "Why the hell didn't you give it back to them?"
"It was a gift, sir." Daniel pointed out. The rest of the team looked up at him with a slight look of awe and relief that they where not the first that tried to say something.
"A gift?" Hammond repeated.
"Yes." Daniel nodded.
"What sort of culture gives this sort of gift?" The General demanded, his voice rising.
"The one we met on P3X 969?" Daniel added trying to be helpful. The general give him such a glare that Daniel thought he better explain before he killed him. "Sir, we tried to give it back honestly, we did." He looked around the table for support that didn't come. "But when we said we couldn't take it, they said they would take it as a personal insult and sever all relations with us. Know I understand that Dr, Fraiser is interested in some of the plant life there as it seems to have special antiseptic and healing properties so therefore refusing this `gift', if you will, would not be the best way to form an alliance." Daniel argued carefully.
The General closed his eyes and resumed massaging his temples. Jack swivelled around in his chair and whispered harshly at Daniel, "Arguing with the General, over *this*, are you nuts? Do you wanna get fired?"
The General sighed deeply and everybody looked up at him. It seems he had made a decision. "OK, it can stay here...for *now*. But it will have to be given to a proper family soon; and I mean very soon. It is your responsibility to look after it!"
"What?" Everyone gasped staring at him.
"General," Sam started to plead, "We can't look after a baby!"
"You accepted the gift, all four of you. Now you can look after it. It will not be left to the doctors and nurses in the infirmary, a crib will be set up in a guest room and I expect *all* of you to take care of it, as a team." With that he left a stunned SG1 sitting in the briefing room in silence.
A small baby girl lay asleep in the corner of the room. A slightly nervous SG1 sat in the opposite corner of the room speaking in hushed voices. There was no way they could get further away unless they left the room or the base, maybe the state...
"So what are we going to do?" Sam asked.
"I do believe we are to supervise this human infant Major Carter." Teal'c told her very matter-o-factly.
"Thank you Teal'c," She smiled at "that was extremely helpful."
"Ok look you guys, we're just going to have to take it in turns to look after her." O'Neill told them.
"I can't look after a baby; I'd have no clue what to do!" Sam started,
"I second that!" Daniel whispered holding up his hand.
"Oh *come on*," Jack sounded exasperated. "You're the world expert on the Stargate, you can build anything, out of anything, you're like a female MacGyver! Are you seriously telling me you can't handle a little babysitting?"
Sam blushed at the MacGyver comment, she knew she was good but she wasn't *that* good!
Jack then turned to Daniel, "And are you telling me you can't handle a baby? After all you've been through? You've delivered two, for crying out loud!"
"Three!" Daniel corrected him.
"Three then! And you can speak something like, what...thirty languages..."
"Yes but none of them include baby talk!" Daniel pointed out.
Jack looked at his team. The flagship team of the SGC. They had one brilliant archaeologist, one genius and an alien that is about 107 years old, scared out of their wits but this adorable bundle of cuteness lying in the corner. "Ok...I've made a plan." He started. "Sam and Daniel, you two will look after the baby first, together for the next eights hours. Then I will for four hours and then Teal'c buddy, you will for four hours, then its back to you two. That's how it will work."
"Wait a minute, why do you and Teal'c get separate times when me and Daniel are together?" Sam asked
"Because Teal'c and I have the experience in looking after babies!" Jack explained.
Teal'c eyebrow shot up into the air. "Speak for yourself O'Neill!"
Jack turned to him surprised. "You're telling me you never looked after Rya'ck?"
"It was not my place to do so. The women on my planet looked after the homes and the children, the men went into training and battle for the service of the Goa'uld."
"Ok it looks like `T' and I will be team two" Jack sighed. He stood up, Teal'c repeated his action "You two...have fun!" And with that he left Sam and Daniel looking at each other, panic written across their faces.
Sam and Daniel sat on the bed next to the crib. There weren't talking, not even breathing loudly. After about fifteen minutes Sam leaned over to Daniel whispering as quietly as possible "OK, you change her diapers and I will feed her."
"Why do I get the diapers?" He asked her whispering just as quietly.
"Erm...because...uh...well..." she stuttered
"You don't have a reason you just don't want to face the possibility of changing a poopie diaper!" He told her still whispering.
Sam what looking half amused, half confused by what Daniel had just said. "Poopie?" she repeated unable to keep the amusement from her voice.
"Oh shut up!" he said shaking his head at her. He leant over the crib a little to look at the sleeping little girl. She had a mop of curly red hair sitting on top of her head. "What do you think we should call her?" he asked Sam.
"Nothing or we'll get too attached!" She told him in such a way she was trying to expel any thought of keeping her.
"I think we should call her Cherry." He said complete ignoring the voice in his head that was shouting `Sam's right, don't get attached, SAM'S RIGHT!!!!!' but he wasn't listening. The little girl in crib opened her eyes. She had bright green eyes and they where staring right into Daniel's. A big grin spread across Daniels face. Sam looked at the Smile them into the crib.
"No Daniel you can't keep her!" She told him. Sam's advice however was falling on deaf ears as Daniel had already fallen in love with the cute little angel that giving him a big gummy grin and sort of slapping her hands together in a semi-clap/semi-fumble. "Daniel!" Sam said just a little louder "There is no way on this planet you convince Janet to adopt an alien child...again!"
"But she's got me this time too." He said leaning over the crib to tickle the little angels chin "ello ickle angel. You all tired? Did you have a nice sleepies?" sang Daniel in a soothing baby voice. He looked at Sam who had a look at absolute disbelief of her face.
"I don't even wanna know where that came from!" she said holding up her hands.
Just then the klaxons sounded. `Unauthorised Gate Activation' rang through the base. The beautiful little angel in the crib vanished in a nanosecond and was replaced by an ugly writhing demon that was screaming like a banshee. Sam fell back against the wall, Daniel was taking back for a moment or two but then he bent down to pick up the screeching `little rascal'. After a few minutes the klaxons stopped, unfortunately the baby didn't. An hour later she was still crying.
"Sam, help me!" Wailed Daniel. Unfortunately Sam was unable to hear him as she had her head stuffed under a pillow trying to drown out the sound of the evil thing. Daniel lightly kicked Sam in the leg to get her attention.
"What?" she shouted above the noise.
"Why is she still crying?" Daniel pleaded.
"I don't know!"
"Have you checked her diaper?" Sam asked.
Daniel put the baby on the diaper changing unit a nurse had set up in the corner. She started wriggling and nearly rolled over off the unit.
"Sam, come and help me." He shouted.
Sam jumped off the bed and put the baby changing mat in the floor. Daniel knelt down and laid Cherry on the floor. He unfastened the buttons on her baby grow while Sam lightly pressed her chest down to keep her from squirming around to much. Daniel very carefully moved the diaper aside a little. And unearthly evil smell wafted up their noses.
"Holy Hannah!" Sam yelped.
"What on earth did they feed her?" shouted Daniel over the noise.
"Nothing *on earth* Daniel," Sam pointed out.
Daniel removed the baby grow. The baby just lay there screaming. Suddenly Sam stood up and headed for the door.
"I'll be right back!" she shouted behind her as she ran out the door.
"Sam, Sam...SAM!" Daniel shouted at her back as the door snapped shut behind her.
Daniel looked down at the little screwed up, bawling face. Daniel gently put his hand on the baby's chest to try to get her to keep still for a little while, so he could remove her diaper. Careful not hurt her he held her still while quickly working with the other hand to unfasten the offending item.
He pulled off the diaper and the smell nearly knocked him unconscious. He swapped hand holding down the squirming pile over evilness and kneeled up leaning across to the baby changer to grab the wet wipes. He grabbed the wipes and pulled one out, one handed and looked down to see where she should start to clean first. The sight was horrific. The poo in question looked lime green and smelt like rotting sludge. Because of all the wriggling Cherry had been doing the poo was spread all over her legs, back and all over the mat.
`Oh...My...God!' Daniel thought. It looked like something out of the film `Alien'.
He got Cherry's legs like a turkey and lifted her back and legs up. He cleaned up the poo on the changing mat, then grabbing a clean wipe, cleaned her back and legs. At last she was clean. Still screaming but clean. He looked around for the fresh diapers which where on the opposite side of the changing unit. He thought it best not to leave her alone so he sat there and looked at her.
He tried talking to her, tickling her, blowing raspberries on her stomach, nothing worked. Then all of a sudden she stopped. Daniel thought he had gone deaf for a minute. He knelt over her looking her straight in the eye. She smiled at him. Daniel was utterly confused... why did she stop? Why was she smiling? Then Daniel felt it. His knee was suddenly very warm and felt slightly wet. She had peed on him!
Ten minutes later Daniel was still struggling to get the baby to be quiet, he looked like he had wet himself and he still hadn't got a clean diaper on her. Sam walked in with something covered in brightly striped electrical tape. She gave it to Cherry how began screaming even louder and throwing the `thing' around in her hand. A rattle came from the thing and she stopped crying and looked at it. Daniel looked wide eyed at Sam.
"Thank you!" he mouthed at Sam. He removed the now toxic diaper. With the free air on her bottom she began to kick her legs and giggle.
"Now look at her." Daniel cooed. "Isn't she precious? She's my precious" Daniel whispered at the little angel now smiling at him.
Sam raised an eyebrow at him.
"What?" he asked watching her stand up and sit on a stool at the changing unit.
"You do know that `*the precious*' is a thing of great evil?" Sam smiled.
It took Daniel I minute to understand what Sam was talking about them he smiled at Cherry and started tickling her feet.
"In the pool, so nice and cool,
so good for feet!
To catch a fish,
So juicy sweet!"
He sang in his best Sméagol impression. Cherry giggled at him.
He stood up to get the powder and clean diaper off the changing unit.
"So what's that thing you gave her?" Daniel asked Sam.
"Its just something Colonel O'Neill broke when he was in my office. I put lots off electrical tape around it so the bits wouldn't fall out." She explained.
"It was really thoughtful of you to use lots of different colours to help keep her interested."
"Well it was not thing really!" she blushed. She wasn't about to tell him the only reason it has lots if colours is the fact that she didn't have enough of one kind to wrap all the way around it. She looked down at Daniel's pants, "Why do you look like you've wet yourself?"
"Oh...little accident. If I finish changing her diaper could you feed her if I go change?" he asked
"Erm...well I suppose...I, uh...could try." She stammered.
"Thanks a lot." Daniel finished changing the new docile baby's diaper and went off to change.
Sam knelt next to Cherry looking at her. `Ok' she thought, `I can do this'. If I can make a Naquada reactor I can manage feeding a baby. She left Cherry lying on the floor while she got a bottle from the bag that had been prepared. So took the rattling `toy' from Cherry which immediately made her start to scream again. Sam quickly put the bottle to her mouth to see if she would take it; she did. `Yay!' Sam thought, I done it!
Cherry stayed quiet through her feeding and when she was finished she looked sleepy so Sam rocked her in her arms. Humming to her. Cherry's sleepy eyes slowly closed, Sam closed her eyes just to rest them for a little bit. Just as Sam was drifting off, Cherry started crying again. `Oops, I forgot to burp her!'
Sam lifted Cherry to her shoulder and started patting and rubbing her back rhythmically. After about five minutes Cherry stopped crying and burped. But that was followed by her vomiting all over Sam's shoulder and continued crying.
Daniel walked in just as Sam was going to look for Jack.
"Sam? What are you doing?" Daniel asked confused.
"I'm taking this `little angel' to the Colonel!" she told him.
"So has she not stopped crying yet?" Daniel asked carefully as they walked to Jacks quarters.
"Oh no she had!" Sam said calmly, "Just to throw up on me...then she started crying again!"
San and Daniel rounded on the door of Jacks quarters. Neither of them needed to knock on the door as he heard Cherry crying.
"So you two geniuses couldn't even look after a baby...together?" He took the baby from them and headed towards the quarters that were to be kept for the baby. Sam and Daniel where rooted to the spot at Jacks `up' attitude.
"Oh and by the way Carter," he shouted just as he was about to round a corner and disappear out of sight, "You have something on your shirt!"
Jack entered the room to notice a faintly bad smell. He ventured out into the corridor to see if anyone was coming his way. An airman walked around the corner.
"Excuse me airman, where are you going?" Jack asked the anonymous Airman.
The Airman gave Jack a funny look, `Why was he holding a baby?' he thought to himself. "To the commissary, sir,"
"Good, could you do me a request first; could you get me some air freshener or something please?" Jack asked.
"Yes, sir," The Airman nodded and carried on his way.
"And some pie!" Jack shouted after him before he disappeared around a corner.
Jack went back to the room.
"It smells a bit in here doesn't it?" he said to the little girl. He looked at her mop of curly red hair; "I shall call you Annie!" he smiled at her. He sat down on the bed with her. See this wasn't so hard, she wasn't crying she was going to sleep.
"The sun will come out,
Betch'a bottom dollar that tomorrow,
There'll be sun.
Just thinking about,
Will chase was the cobwebs and the sorrow,
`Til there's none..."
Jack sang to her. She fell asleep in his arms. Sleep just what he was about to do before Sam and Daniel came and dropped Annie off. He closed his eyes, just for a moment, he wouldn't fall asleep, he wasn't that tired.
Jack woke up and hour later.
"Well that was a nice nap, wasn't it Annie? Annie?" Jack panicked. Where was she? Jack looked around the room. `Oh CRAP!' the door was open. There was a can of air freshener and a plate of pie was on the changing unit. `Oh that Airman is *so* going to get his ass kicked!' Jack fumed. He rushed out the door and down to Sam's lab.
"Sam!" He shouted as he got there. He found her slumped against her desk asleep. He really hated to wake her but he had to. She woke up and looked at him groggily through unfocused eyes
"What is it, sir?" she asked stifling a yawn
"Sam, she's gone, we went to sleep and when I woke up the door was open and she was gone!" Jack rushed.
"Oh no!" Sam stood up and ran to the phone. Dr. Jackson's office please. Jack listened to the one sided conversation.
"Have you seen the baby? No, Jack fell asleep and the door was open and she got out. Yes he knows that was very irresponsible! Yes he knows he should know better. Ok meet you there." She hung up the phone.
"I take it he hasn't seen her?"
"No, but he said he would meet us at Teal'c quarters!"
Sam and Jack rushed down, the corridor towards Teal'c room. He could help them look for her, she could be anywhere on the base and if the General found out that they lost a baby...Ok *he* lost the baby he was so going to be court marshalled. The banged on the door to Teal'c room.
"Teal'c, you in there? Open up buddy!" Jack shouted through the door.
Teal'c opened the door swiftly "Please desist O'Neill, May'ack has just begun sleeping!"
"May'ack?" Sam and Jack questioned together.
"It is the name I have given to this child. It means peaceful angel." Teal'c explained
"Daniel calls her Cherry!" Sam said.
"Eww, no way she's Annie!"
Sam and Teal'c looked at him strangely
"Like off the film!" Jack blushed
Daniel came running around the corner
"So are we still looking or have you found her?" Daniel asked panting slightly.
"Well we have found Cherry, Annie and May'ack!" Jack told him
Daniel looked at him confused "Like the film Annie?"
"Oh...that's a good name."
"Well `T' here had named her May'ack!"
"Peaceful angel..." Daniel whispered thoughtfully "Are we talking about the same baby?" He asked finally.
"We are indeed, Daniel Jackson. When I found out Colonel O'Neill was taking care of the child I went to see if he needed my assistance. What I found was Colonel O'Neill sleeping and May'ack was sucking on his nose."
Jack lifted a hand to his nose... "I wondered why it felt sticky!"
Teal'c carried on "I picked up the child and brought her here so she would not disturb O'Neill. She began crying but I simply demanded that she be quiet and she desisted. She is now asleep in my bed.
The rest of SG1 looked past Teal'c into his room. They saw he had boxed her in with pillows so she wouldn't fall off the bed.
"Very good Teal'c." Jack told him. "You can do the majority of the babysitting from now on I think!"
"That will not be necessary, General Hammond has already informed me that a family have offered to take her in.
The rest of SG1 looked shocked; it was quite quick really she had only been there a few hours.
"Well I suppose it's for the best." Spoke Sam
"I suppose." Agreed Jack.
"Yeah!" added Daniel solemnly.
All of a sudden there was a happy gurgle from behind them. Cherry/Annie/May'ack was sitting up in Teal'c bed giggling was sitting up in bed, a big smile on her face. SG1 went in to the room and gathered around her on the bed. Teal'c picked her up and she laughed slapping his face giving him big, sloppy, baby kisses.
"I think she likes you," Sam smiled.
"Would you like to hold her, Major Carter?" Teal'c asked holding out the baby towards her. The baby started cry before Sam had even extended her arms out. "Perhaps I should keep her Major Carter!"
"Yeah Teal'c maybe you should." She agreed.
Daniel sat in Janet's office drinking coffee.
She filled up her cup and walked over to her desk where she lent on it to face Daniel.
"You look all depressed, sweetie." She told him while stroking his hair.
"Well I was sort of looking forward to having a baby to look after." He told her truthfully.
"You know you couldn't have kept it." She told him, her voice full of sympathy.
"Well I was going to ask you if *we* could keep it."
She choked on her coffee. "What?"
"I know its fast," he explained "But I'm living with you and you know how much I love you,"
"Wow, Daniel I never thought you would think of things like this yet!" she told him completely shocked.
"Well before I was going to ask you that, there was something else I was going to ask you."
"What?" she asked full of interest.
"I was going to ask you to marry me!"
She stopped, gob smacked. "Daniel...are you...are you proposing?"
"No," he told her "This is all wrong." He looked at her face, it looked crestfallen. He got up out of the chair and got on one knee in front of her and pulled out a blue velvet box out of his pocket. "Now I am. Janet Fraiser, will you marry me?"
She smiled at him... "Of course I will marry you Daniel," she bent down to kiss him. "But on one condition." She added as an afterthought "You take my name, because I really don't want to become Janet Jackson, the jokes from Colonel O'Neill alone wound drive me mad." She smiled playfully.
"Whatever makes you happy!" he beamed at her.
"So you want to have children then?" she asked him.
"Yes. Lots of them. All with you." He told her.
She held out her hand and helped pull him you then backed him into a chair and sat down on his knee. "I love Daniel Jackson," Said kissing him.
"I love you to." He smiled.
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